I am unhappy in this season. It's such a bumpy roller coaster ride, and it's taking a toll on me.
I hate that I place so much of my worth in my work and circumstances. And right now,
I'm sick of being motion sick.
I'm tired of getting knocked back and forth, between the highs and lows.
I'm exhausted from constantly worrying about the future.
I feel I don't measure up to the expectations I set for myself.
Who else can relate?
I know Sarah Fain and Elizabeth Craft have taken this ride. In their podcast #HappierinHollywood, they talk about the ups and downs of working as TV writers, especially when it comes to constantly receiving constructive criticism ("getting notes") on their work. It's exhausting having to be resilient all the time, and the duo encourages being honest about your feelings.
“You’re allowed to have normal human emotions. It’s okay.”
If I'm being honest with how I'm feeling, the worry is eating at me, emotionally and physically. This is not a happy blog post. I'm having a hard time writing it. In fact, I'm trying to hide the tears rolling down my face as I sit in the corner of this cafe.
But something is telling me to share this. To keep going.
My body and mind are having a rough season. My emotions may be all over the place. I may feel weak and overwhelmed. But my Spirit is calm.
When every other part of me is empty, I pour into my Spirit.
Prayer journaling is the one consistent thing in my life, even on my bad days. And being smack in the middle of one now, I can tell you the effort is worth it.
It helps that I love writing. I love hearing those quiet whispers of encouragement from within. And I love reading about other people's stories of following their within. In her book #Untamed, Glennon Doyle calls this whisper her "inner Knowing." I call this My Creator's voice. I feel privileged to know it and hear it when I write.
But I'm still human. I have bad days. I doubt that voice. I doubt myself. I don't always believe in God's plans to make me prosper (Jeremiah 29:11). Maybe it's because it feels like I am always reaching for those plans. My dreams still haven't come true yet.
I feel "stuck in the middle," and I've felt this way a long time.
Who else can relate?
When I was younger, I had hope for my future and finding ways to get there. Simply put, time was on my side.
As I get older, I feel more pressure to accomplish everything on my list. "Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!" says my internal clock, ticking away the minutes of my life. And that ticking can get pretty loud and annoying when I see other people accomplishing the things on my to-do list:
a dream job
a family of my own
a lasting relationship
a steady financial income
a thriving social life
The list goes on. I know part of it is due to the line of work I am pursuing as an actor/writer, but I still want those things. Why can't I have them too? How long must I keep waiting in the middle?
To be continued...